And so a week passed and life moved on or did it stay stagnant? Well don’t make much of a difference to me except that in a week’s time I grew a year older, but OF COURSE none the wiser. I think its something that gets more apparent within the week period post the birthday celebrations, the none the wiser part not the growing up part of course. I didn’t realize coming back on here after so long was gonna be harder than doing a daily post, but I guess that’s bound to happen, at least it is for me considerin’ how many tangents my brain gets to pick and choose from and those overfloodin’ thoughts that just wanna come out and go BAM on this post. Well before you groan and go all “Oh No!!! Its gonna b a long one.” I’d like to say that I can’t get all of those thoughts out here on one post, they need to be split up and spread out over a period of posts. I can’t say organized either ‘cuz if there’s anything anybody knows ’bout me, it would probably be affinity for randomness.
So how was that ‘Big Day’? Well it was uneventful on the crazy ass partying side, don’t get me wrong I did have a blast of sorts in a very unconventional manner haha. But more than any of that, what made my day was all the love and well wishes from people I’ve met at different points in my life…its almost as if every person you meet is a piece of the jigsaw puzzle that’s your life. What I mean by that is, when I see these people I can remember a precise/exact moment, it needn’t be the first moment I met them but it tends to be a significant moment from the memory bank, so to all you wonderful people thanks for the memories :D. I shudda known with the week starting off on a kinda high of sorts that the drop factor was just waitin’ in the wings to happen. Good things in my case usually last for as long as the blink of an eye and then like the flame of a candle extinguished by a gust of wind it’s gone, until the next person with a lighter or a matchbox or a book of matches lights it up again. Aah happiness aren’t you a lighthouse effect, where you shine brilliantly in one moment, guide the lost and weather worn/beaten souls away from those tricky sharp rocks that life tosses at us….only you tend to make cameos in the whole life scenario.
Oh and did I mention that I got verbally and physically assaulted okay assault is a strong word but I definitely got smacked for not telling anyone it was my birthday….c’mon people its only a birthday, its just another day…okay don’t toss anything at me now, its just my take on the thing. However I must say it kick started in the best way possible 🙂 the mommy Kat called exactly @ midnight and sang me my Happy Birthday haha…I cudn’t have asked for a b8r start, dad was kinda MIA at that point in time but hey he called me in later, then 4 hours or rather 4 and half hours later I had one of the sweetest and awesomest moments thus far when Sunny B was trying or rather Skyped me. We dragged Sunny B’s sister into a conference call and we pretty much spent the next hour or hour and a half or so making fun of each other and laughing. You see, Sunny B’s sister…Mossy B and I share the same birthday, so according to her we’re ‘Birthday twins’..In all honesty it was a good time, that conversation had me on a high the rest of the morning, considering how I’d been up since 7 the previous night and just that one conversation had enough endorphins in it to give me the ability to get through a Biostats class at 8 in the morning without grimacing. I’m not a huge fan of statistics…it tends to skew the normal distributed curve of my brain into sum’n non existent. Never been a huge fan of it, not years ago when I was being forced into an area of study that other people thought I was more suited for. Apparently people figured I wasn’t one cut out for the Sciences, maybe I shudda been screamin’ from the roof tops how I knew my stuff b8r than their ignoramus kids…’ite this tirade will stop here ‘cuz if it goes on it’ll take a lot more space.
Moving along with happy day, then later on in the day I got the most awesomest e-mail from my sanity, that had me going awwww for a while. The best part of the day was that I didn’t get or even have a moment of home sickness during the big day but it definitely found it’s way and seeped in a day or 2 after. Usually the week is a festive one as it starts off with my big day followed by the New Year and it ends off with the broda’s birthday. Well its not like we throw huge ass parties or anything, but it’s just the general feeling at home and the general festive environment. I just missed ringing the times in with genuine people. Yeah so I’ve been whining ’bout the lack of genuine people in my current space of residence, I guess I might have had a bit of that over optimism of mine cloud my vision or I just have too much faith in mankind, which might not be such a bad thing ‘cuz if nobody shows any faith how is anyone supposed to have an example to lead from right?
None the less, there was one thing that I observed ’bout myself this past week that actually made me stop in my tracks and literally hit a rewind button on the memory playlist just to make sure I actually did what I did or whether it was all just a figment of my imagination. Well I wouldn’t say sadly, but yeah I did surprise myself…me, the person that I’d like to believe stands for individualism, stands for people to be receptive and perceptive of others but to not conform or lose their individuality or themselves as a result of people’s words or actions. I personally think if someone wants you to change so you can fit in, well tell ’em to screw off, that’s my take most of the time, ‘cuz if people can’t appreciate you for who you are then they aren’t worth your time, or your mental space nor that space in your heart. Nobody you love or vice versa should ever try and force you to be a certain way…’cuz if they do then that defeats the purpose of love now dun’ it? ‘Cuz that particular L word is ’bout acceptance without any boundaries, levels or differences; its the ultimate encompassing entity I think on the face of this particular planet…yeah so there’s lots of hate and violence going around, but the only thing that keeps us humans going on a day to day basis is, believe it or not, love. It’s a funny emotion this one, it can be expressed in the most subtle way and it can be expressed in the grandest and most lavish way possible, oh hell yeah its a funny one. Sorry I digress in a way, going back to what I was saying…so the last few days I found myself trying to someone willing to bend myself so as to be considered worthy of other people’s friendship. Yeah…well when the realization hit it was a dual hit really, I was slightly annoyed by my own actions and mentally slapped myself a few times and I also realized that I guess I’m someone who can’t be lonely either. The latter was more surprising ‘cuz I can and I have pictured myself being the lone ranger et al. and I’ve never pegged myself as being someone extremely needy or unable to exist without having a significant other or nething of the sort…’cuz I’ve been in quite a few situations where the only person who has been there for me per-se has been myself…but I guess the basic human nature of wanting or rather needing company got to me as well huh? Well I guess the home-sickness and everything added up and took it’s toll, is it too much to ask for just some decent, non-judgmental, non-clique-esque, genuine and warm company? That’s not to say I don’t know such people out here, I do, but I can’t keep harassin’ some of ’em ‘cuz there are major exams and major life changes awaiting and on principle I hate imposing on anybody in any way or form.
Anyway, gettin’ back to my nature change, I figured or rather felt that perhaps by allowing myself to be more mould-able I was turning people off…or unless that was my silly mind going on over-drive. The last week or few weeks has also been a lesson in deception, betrayal and just heart-ache of a kind that one may not have envisioned before or expected nor anticipated. There’s still a dull ache in that partially hollow thing that beats in me, I can’t believe that I invested so much just to have it kick me in the arse and in the face. It literally felt like one of those ‘life mocking you in the face’ moments. I guess that’s what I get for trying to give people a chance while others just slot ’em and box ’em into categories. Yeah the whole episode has me bummed out and doubtful ’bout people’s true natures and just makes me question if nething at all is worth it? I mean if flesh and blood can rip you apart without a second’s hesitation…if flesh and blood can completely fuck up your life, your future, your own fucking mind-set then how much more can the outside world do? Are we as people really all that fickle? Are our wills really that weak…that malleable that we’d trade whatever it is that we’ve always believed in, in a heartbeat? What I learned this past week and a half or two or actually a lil’ more than that but it was sorta kinda enforced a lot more in the past week or so; is how we can be such ungrateful wretches. I really and truly hope that I never do or invoke such feelings within people whose paths have intersected mine. If I have I truly am very sorry and I never intended on doing so, I know saying that doesn’t solve the problem but I do mean every word that I’ve said. Sometimes I don’t realize things, and if anyone ever feels like I’m over-stepping the boundaries it would be much appreciated if you stepped in and tol’ me I’ve crossed a line…
Growin’ up sucks dun’ it? Things are so much easier when you’re that lil’ kid running wild and free in the park without a care in the world, where your biggest concern is not being able to go higher on the swing than that other kid who was on it before you, or that you’d get into major trouble with the maternal unit if you got more grass stains than necessary on your clothes. Where everything around you couldn’t be either black or white but was an array of colours ranging the entire spectrum of colours imaginable and unimaginable I guess.
A’ite guys, I’m gonna sign off here, I guess just re-visitin’ those events from the past few weeks drained me more than I imagined it would. Here’s hopin’ we aren’t as bad as a few rotten apples would like to showcase us to be, yes so I still have some hope and faith in humanity…maybe it’s a limited time offer or sum’n…but I’d rather have people giving me a chance to show them who I am than having to be judged by others. Not that the latter hasn’t happened to me in the past, its happened way too many times that I can’t even remember how many times its happened. But I’d rather have faith in a brighter and better future than a bleaker gloomier one, it makes the whole purpose of living thing a lil’ more worthwhile. Take care peepz and until next time good luck with everything that you gotta take care of and remember don’t live your life completely on terms and conditions set by others, u gotta live life on your terms too ‘cuz that helps you define who you are, that is what makes you stand out in a crowd and that is what makes you human. You were born a human don’t change into an automated clone that does, thinks and chooses whatever someone else wants, ‘cuz honestly that ain’t what you want, you may think it is but if you dig a lil’ deeper you’ll find the real answer. Oh and to end there is something I wrote down a few days ago that I’d like to share with ye all, so please feel free to comment on it and to share your thoughts on it…
“One believes in change not out of optimism but out of experience, knowledge and wisdom.” (SJ, April 21, 2002)
Cheerio ppl…and until next time have a rockin’ time.
Release Date: Circa, 2000
(This song in particular is for all the amazing people in my life that I’m just plain lucky to call friends, here’s to our memories and here’s to making new ones. You guys mean the world to me and I hope you know that, if not imma smack you kids.)
Artist: Juggy D
Album: Juggy D
Release Date: Circa, 2004
Song: Aankhon Se Tu Door Hain
Arists: Kumar Sanu & Alka Yagnik
Album: Tera Mera Pyar
Release Date: Circa, 2004
Song: You Found Me
Artist/Band: The Fray
Album: The Fray
Release Date: Circa, 2009