So you know that old adage “Absence makes the heart grow fonder” or some such sweet nothings of the sort? Well it’s kinda sorta true, or at least that’s the way I feel about coming back here…it’s been a while, I think the monstrosity of akademia took over my non existent life. Well and you know some monsters can be slayed, while others you just I guess learn to strike a balance with.
It’s been a few tough days, but then again, busting your chops at the beginning of the year I hope is a good sign. Just keeps you working and striving harder for the rest of the year or sum’n like that. Regardless of all the downhill moments I’ve had so far I’d still like to think I have a hint of optimism left in me. None the less, I do hope you chumps had a fantastic New year or at least a fantastic time celebrating and ringing in the New Year. Mine was a very quaint and different affair, in years we actually rang the new year in with other folks, usually it’s the familial unit chilling and ringing in that stroke of the midnight hour. Oh well I guess it’s a sign from the universe to shake up my routine a little huh?
Now, this post has been under creation for a while, and I have good reasons for that as well. Things have been a bit rough these last few weeks, since ushering in the 2011 and all. I see people reaching out to do new things creatively, which makes me heave a slight sigh of relief ‘cuz I’d like to believe that we all still have the power to create and bring into this world fresh ideas and approaches towards things. It’s heart warming I guess, but while on that topic I really wish people would be like these fresh ideas as well. Unfortunately or fortunately you don’t always get what you hope and wish for.
Okay I know this is pretty much common knowledge for everyone but in case you didn’t notice, I tend to go off on a ramble ’bout friends and friendship and things of the sort when I get into the realm of people and changes and things of the sort. These last few weeks have been something close to disastrous but not so dramatic that I’d call it that, they’ve been extremely rough ones. They’ve been chipping away at my soul, my humanity, my conscience and definitely my temper. My anger has transcended the bursts of red to serene, blinding hot silver, sharp enough to cut through anything. Now I’m not the kind of person to stop the next person on the street and sob my heart out, firstly I’d be terribly embarassed and would rather crawl under a rock and disappear for good. I’m also not the person who will badger my friends to take a few minutes outta their lives to listen to my tale of woes, okay maybe I should ask them but I’ve got my reasons not to do so. Blame it on my childhood I guess, and if you’re gonna be thinking ‘oh yeah of course blame it on something else and don’t take responsibility for your own actions and thought processes’ then well hey you’re entitled to do that. But to make your miserable thought process a lil’ less miserable, I am blaming myself I just don’t like being direct with things like that :P, I mean hell where’s the suspense then?
None the less, like most things I digress, but I would like to think that when you’re so connected with people on levels that transcend that of acquaintances then do you not have the basic courtesy of saying hey u a’ite there? Things don’t seem too great with ya and you haven’t quite been yourself is everything a’ite? Or did I just get switched into some fuckin’ Bizzaro world where nobody really cares how anyone is doing but is just more concerned ’bout milking that cow for what it’s worth and then sending it off to the meat packin’ factory down the road for the execution and mechanical farewell? Oh hell yeah I’m gonna be spewing quite a bit of acid in this post so if you can’t take a heavy dose of spewing 2 words for you mate, PISS OFF. Go do something constructive then. None the less, I must rant my fingers feel mega excited to rather leave imprints on the wall and ripping the concrete and cement and everything else the fuck apart but I’m trying to still stick to my ‘Gandhian’ ways of Ahimsa. Let’s hope no human crosses my anger threshold today to suffer the consequences, I’m just hoping my gob doesn’t decide to rack out some shellfire if that were to happen today. ‘cuz while actions do leave lasting impressions words leave lasting imprints, forever branded in the depths of our memories. Anyway, getting back to the narrative going on here besides that of a very fitting description of the anger consuming me inside out, a few months ago friend of mine that I do consider family was in ‘woe is me’ mode where things seemed to fall apart ‘cuz hey a relationship fell apart. So, me being the sucker for things tragic and weepy and apparently with a hero complex the ‘heroine complex’ I swooped in to be the shoulder. Mind you I was being a virtual shoulder to the salt water being shed, and I was spending all this time trying to be there and trying to help fix problems that were beyond my control and grasp. I guess I’ll never learn to not be a sucker for stupid things like this. Call me heartless if you must but seriously a relationship beyond repair is not the end of the world, there are more things that need to be repaired and fixed in the world besides matters of the heart. Especially if it’s matters of the heart that you’re unwilling to compromise and meet someone halfway with, ‘cuz heck if you and the other person know it’s meant to be and there’s nothing else to it then you WILL make it work, Plain and simple, but if you’re complicating it up all for your own self that just shows that you clearly have plenty of time on your hands and that you’d rather spend time complicating your life rather than making sense out of it.
Okay before you relationshipped and packaged people pounce on me with your questions, the first answer is no I’ve never been in one and yes I can still talk ’bout it ‘cuz I’ve seen enough. I actually do keep my eyes open, even if I do have visual problems, my eyes are ears tend to be open most of the time. So yeah I think I do know a thing or 2 about the subject, and trust me especially if you have seen that which I have seen oh fuck yeah you do know a thing or 2 about things. I’m no expert, actually nobody is, even if you are someone who has been in what 7 relationships in the last decade or so yeah no you aren’t no expert. However, like I was saying, there’s more than just fickle relationships to keep your eyes and ears open out there for. So like I was saying, my friend was down in the dumps and I was trying to check in and make sure things were okay and that they were progressing forward with their life despite the setback of the heart. I think that was another learning period for me, I learned how easy it is to shove the blame onto another friend if you know things weren’t as rosy as they used to be or if you aren’t as close to people as you used to be. And it’s so much easier to do so when you do not make the effort to do so, and it’s even easier to attach and tag labels on your friends. I’m not saying it is any one person’s fault, friendship is a 2 way street like most things in life and both parties are responsible for the failure in communication. I kinda sorta got dragged into yet another thing that was not my problem to deal with, I have a very uncanny ability of being dragged into things, whether I want to be dragged into it or not. The worst thing to get dragged into however is the additional baggage category of friends, you know, the category where a friend doesn’t want to meet another friend or puts off meeting a friend because there’s this retarded notion of not being able to see them or do anything with them because there’s been no time or yeah there’s just no fucking good excuse you can come up with besides being a lazy slob who can’t respect what you have. Jaesus, it amazes me how the world is filled with more people that fit this general, myriad description of a human being. No wonder the future seems so bleak, dull and gray to most people, and it’s no surprise that optimism died a painful, horrible and gruesome death a while ago. What’s worse is that the optimistic ones keep getting teh short end of the stick and squeezed into losing their optimism. If you can’t handle optimism that’s your problem, why not leave those that are trying to do something better for everyone alone and let them try and attempt at making things a lil’ better. Does it not strike anyone that maybe people like being optimistic ‘cuz that’s the way they deal with their problems, maybe by seeing the light in someone else’s eyes or the light in another situation actually gives them the hope and faith to face their fears and fight their battles and demons. But no, that’s just ridiculous right? To let anyone else have that shot at happiness if you can’t have it.
Anyway, while I was home for to celebrate a time of cheer, happiness, family and love I made sure I paid my respects to all those people and things that made me feel that way. I’m glad I got to meet the few people that are my family, spending even those few hours with them was the healing and energy I needed to keep that fire of determination and hope burning. It was a crazy ass hectic time but it was worth every ounce of it to just bask in the warmth of their love, understanding, company and smiles. And the metaphorical icing on the cake was the bubbling, giggling sound of my niece. Oh man if there was any therapy that could make a heart lighter and a soul brighter it would be that aura of innocence and purity of a child that washes over you. It heals many a crack and fissure in quite the chipped heart, reminds you of the fact that there are things in this world worth living for and heck worth dying for to protect. Anyway, I guess I was the fool to expect said friend to actually turn around and notice and give a shit ’bout things. I forget people like to be wrapped up in their own world. ‘Welcome to the real world’ you say? Well I guess you’re about as disillusioned as the rest of us, what the hell happened to people actually standing up to this shit and not taking things like this? What happened to proving crap like this is redundant and there is something to actually look forward to? I don’t think our future needs more bleakness than the media and news tends to cover. Stop looking for facades, hell stop making them in the first place. How far are your facades gonna take you? To that blurry horizon that you see as your future? Ya think? I mean honestly WAKE UP!!! Nothing ever goes the way you think it will, even if you have decided that you are the master of your future, fate and destiny ‘cuz you aren’t. Whether you like it or not, you really aren’t, things are pre-ordained and the paths you take you can think you’ve beaten your destiny or whatever but you wouldn’t be walking it if you weren’t meant to walk it. You can keep thinking whatever it is that you keep thinking to make it through the day or night, but believe you me when I say life is and WILL throw a monkey wrench into all your well planned and carefully laid out plans. As much as I’d love to the be precocious arse who says ‘I told you so’ I take no pleasure in anyone’s misery, even if it is someone that I cannot stand.
Well I think that’s enough of a start to kick start this year of posts with. They may not be as frequent, or maybe they will be, who knows it’s always too early to tell as far as these things are concerned. I hope the year ahead is one filled with insight and reflection for all of ya’ll, there’s a lotta strife going around in this world, and as much as we love shrugging our shoulders and say too bad it’s happening or this can’t be helped it was expected it’s about time we stopped that shrugging. You know stop and turn around and see how you can help, help in any way, size, shape or format will always make a difference. It will change a life, if not the person you’re trying to help out it will change yours. And there is nothing better than change to accept and grab by the horns ‘cuz change is one of those guests that likes to call on you frequently whether you’re ready for it or not. Cheers everyone and here’s wishing you all the very best in everything for the upcoming year.
Song(s)of the day
Song: A Message
Release Date: June 6, Circa 2005
Album: Anywhere but Home
Release Date: November 24, Circa 2004