Candle In the Wind

A major issue these days that I think gets side lined if not stated as a numb statistic and factoid is the case of suicide. The only time it receives crazy attention is if it’s something that involves and serves several human rights and welfare groups’ agendas. I mean it’s stated about as starkly and casually as the casualties of war. I use war in the singular and not the plural because both you and I know there are way too many of them going on for me to rant about. But that’s one I shall save for another time.

Here’s going back to the topic at hand. I wanted to post about this issue before, around December or so to be honest. I was having one of those crisis of conscience, life, questions about the big picture and fun hints of the sort or well you could also call it procrastination I guess…as I was gearing up for exams around that time. Yea yea I know what the hell was I looking at that made me want to write about suicides right?

Well for starters I was doing some research about study strategies and ways to minimize procrastination and fun things of the sort because as you all know procrastination will be the death of us all. Okay for you “preservation of the English language” groups and you grammar Nazis I know the previous sentence was a wonderful example of repetition. None the less I was in the middle of finding some inspiration and somewhere between browsing for inspiration and catching up on Facebook almost every 2 minutes, which might I add was not a lotta fun as the News Feed kept showing me the same old news again and again. I mean do I really care about people’s narcissistic expressions about themselves especially when they have a gazillion pictures of themselves in different poses. Actually no scratch that make that albums dedicated to themselves titled “Me” or “Moments” or some such BS. I mean I know we live in a time of self promotion and then some where we all are our own agents to promote and market ourselves bit a little toning down never hurt anyone, especially my eyes. Anyway I do digress…so this one time that my the feed refreshed if not updated itself I saw a post that went something along the lines of how this friend of mine was apologizing to another friend for not being there for them and for not seeing that something was not right. I mean yeah that seems like no biggie right? But what followed after those lines piqued my curiosity, my friend said something like “If only I had noticed something back then you probably would have been here today to hear and celebrate one of the greatest moments of my life. But now even this news holds no excitement without having you to share it with. I cannot believe it’s been 7 months without you.” or something along those lines. At first glance it just seems like a regular message between friends who I guess sorta lost touch with each other due to the climbing and growing burdens the world today seems to have fun piling on to us. It was the end of the message that caught me off guard, that last line about being watched over and until we meet again. I think I was hit by a wave of guilt, concern, sadness and a jarring if not glaring sense of awareness. You would think that was all that caught me off guard; following the message was a response to that message by I guess the mother of the dearly departed friend. Now that was definitely heart-breaking, my curiosity got the best of me yet again and I wanted to know if the account was still active or not. So I went into the profile and lo and behold there were all these comments, messages and responses this individual’s mother had written.

The thing that hit me the most was how much guilt the parent was harboring. Just seeing those pleas and questions of ‘why’ and ‘how’ just broke my heart. Being a child (yes I still am one so you can quit the eye rolling) it’s the hardest thing in the world to see parents blaming themselves and considering themselves to be failures as parents. Well more than that it’s hard to see them do or accept heck agree to what their kids try not to make them feel. It hurts more when a child sees they weren’t able to protect their parents from whatever it was they were trying to protect them from.

I know suicide is one of those delicate matters that isn’t condoned by many components of humanity. I mean not a lotta people stop to think of the hows and why’s they jump straight to the ‘what a coward’ aspect of things. It definitely takes more than a coward to finalize that decision and to contiguity with it if you think about it. None the less I’m not here to support or shoot down the topic, I’m in no position whatsoever to do that. Just reading that post got me thinking about what one can do or should do or what we as friends, sisters, brothers, lovers, spouses and parents should look out for. I mean if something happened to someone close to me I’m not sure how I would react. I might hold myself personally responsible for not being there enough or for not sensing something was up.

I think if anything the entire incident had me feeling just how much we take everything for granted and how we don’t necessarily realize that until something drastic or unexpected happens. I mean there are some if us who love to broadcast every single problem or low we hit and then there are some of us who tend to tuck away and bottle up all of that and try and put up a real brave and strong face. Bottom line we all hit major lows but sometimes we feel trapped, if not buried alive by our own thoughts of failure and utter disappointment. This holds even more weight for those of us with the ‘Black sheep of the family’ complex. Yeah so pretty much anything and everything we read these days tell us to reach out to those we know and we can reach out to. But, oh and that’s one big but, what makes things worse is when we reach out to people we consider even closer than family and all we get are those standard lines that any random person on the street would give you. That tends to compound and further fracture an already delicate situation, especially if it’s someone for whom you would drop most things you’re doing just to be there for them. Then you have that proverbial kicking yourself in the ass feeling, i should know personal experience and all. Trust me no amount of saying have zero expectations is going to make a person have zero expectations especially when it comes to matters of the heart. However, going back to what I was saying, not everybody is a walking, talking mood thermostat waiting to divulge any and all info regarding their lives. I know everyone has a crazy ass, hectic life where the only free time if they get any free time us that spent catching up on z’s or doing more work. But please take some time outta that life filled win hustle n bustle to just drop a line, message heck even an email to the people that matter to you. You never know, sometimes that one action could be the reprieve if not turning point, heck I would go as far as saying the salvation they needed.

Suicide is no joke, and I don’t care if you disagree with me for most part as far as this post goes but I do hope you get that message of not taking anyone for granted. Trust me, even if it’s once in I dunno 6 months it makes a helluva difference and it matters. Take the time out to remind those close to you just how amazing they are because you never know how far that little reminder is gonna take them. Well I guess that’s it for now folks, I’m not sure if I said enough of what I wanted to say about this issue but if I have more to say then hey there’s always that new post option.

If you were expecting a moral, ethical and religious discourse on the issue then I guess I’m sorry to disappoint. Nobody except the G-man and okay maybe the law gets to make a call like that. Well I hope all is going decently well for all of you and if it ain’t then just hold out…things are gonna turn around before you know it even if it doesn’t seem like it you just gotta believe it will.

Song(s) of the Day:

Song: Dante’s Prayer
Artist: Loreena McKennitt
Album: The Book of Secrets
Release Date: September, Circa 1997

Song: Kyun Main Jaagoon
Artist: Shafqat Amanat Ali
Album: Patiala House
Release Date: January 7, Circa 2011

Song: Haunted
Artist: Kelly Clarkson
Album: My December
Release Date: June 22, Circa 2007

One thought on “Candle In the Wind

  1. You know, I never understood why people always say that one who commits suicide is a coward. As I'm sure everyone has in the impulsive-nesses of youth and retarded-ness, I too have, if for a fleeting milisecond, considered death as an alternative to dealing with my issues. That thought was quickly dismissed under the fact that, I'm way too much of a pussy to try to kill myself.

    Living is easy. You just hang on, and go for the ride… sure if you don't do shit in your life to shape it, you'll have regrets and despair… but it'll still go on. Now deciding something as intense as killing yourself, takes immense courage. Don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating it, I'm just saying. We physically react to objects being thrown at us or an attack with reflexes that act without us thinking. Yet, to willfully put one's self in the way of harm and not to flinch… is insanity if not bravery.

    The most tragic thing about it is, if those people had invested even a portion of that same courage in that instance to decide to deal with whatever is making them consider suicide… life would've simply, gone on.

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