It’s been a few months since I’ve written on here, life’s kinda sorta catching up to me as are it’s responsibilities. Some days you just wanna say to hell with everything and do what you want to do. While writing is what I do want to do while I’m not busting my skull, sometimes even that loses it’s flair and majesty and all that’s left is a lotta brooding and pensive thoughts, that would put Batman’s brooding nature to shame.
Summer is a time for relaxation, rejuvenation and rediscovery and well, discovery. And mine has been nothing short of that. I’ve rediscovered writing poetry if nething, hell in fact I’ve written more poetry this year than I have in the past 2 or 3 years. There was that time when I stopped and figuerd there would be no returning to something that I spent a huge chunk of my life working on. That was mostly due to the fact that I lost a decade’s worth of work due to geocities shutting down and certain other life altering events (which when I look back at now make me howl with laughter). Now had I known they were shutting down, then I’m quite sure I would’ve found a way to preserve my stuff. But oh well, nothing much can be done about that now, what’s gone is gone and you can’t exactly turn back the clock and save it. Besides, without a lil’ cleaning up and throwing out, how can you ever get your mind to work on something fresh and new?
Using that same train of thought, this summer has definitely shed a lot of light in another aspect of my life that I do tend to write about…you know the whole relationship and bonds with other people side of things. I think there was a massive unveiling ceremony that went down earlier in the year that made me re-think a lot of things. It’s a great feeling when your close friends, well who literally by extension are family, appreciate you and tell you just how wonderful a friend you are and in some cases just compliment you to the moon and back (no no not setting up for narcissism.) Well I’m the kinda person who can’t take too many compliments, just because I’ve been hard-wired that way from a very long time ago. Compliments for the things I did and achieved weren’t exactly far too many and you tend to get used to not hearing a lot being said or being appreciated per-se. Which sometimes is a good thing, ‘cuz then you get far fewer cocky bastards who think they own the world and the whole world owes them a favour, and well on the flip side you get the self esteem problem oriented team. Pros and cons everywhere people. But like I was saying, earlier this year, I got chastised for doing and being the person/friend I’ve been all my life or at least for the time period that the friendship has existed. Well to say it’s been a surprising event this year would be sorta kinda an understatement. It’s been annoying as hell though ‘cuz I don’t like unfinished business and I particularly don’t like things that displace me and make me re-think and replay words and actions over and over again. Most people usually dust their hands off and say to hell with it, I’m either worth it or not, in which case your loss. So yeah I hate having to overthink BS when I don’t have to and especially when I’m not getting paid to do so.
Though it’s been a welcoming change, because, I actually got the opportunity to track back o’er the years and see just how much I overlooked. I let things slide then, probably because at that point in time I had a certain amount of resentment, perhaps bitterness and a rather relentless unforgiving take on things with others and with the situation(s) I was in. It’s not hard to overlook things when you’re so busy scrutinizing, weighing, juggling and handling multiple other things and onslaughts and blaming yourself and others for a lot of things. But at the same time it’s not an excuse to be blinded to the reality you’re surrounded by. Usually when things are off center I’m usually off like a bloodhound on a trail to fix things. But this time around, I finally decided, no more nice guy business, I’m not gonna be the one running behind to fix and make things work. If you wanna go off the grid, then that’s your choice and your decision. If you decide to resurface I guess try your luck and see if the things and people you’re used to seeing are still around or have moved on. That’s the price you pay for the decisions you make. Every decision and action has a consequence and you should be willing to face it before you dive into it. I know it’s easier said than done, and who the hell am I to be spouting off stuff like this neway right? Let’s just say I’m experience’s crash dummy, who has had expectations, dreams, hopes, requests, heart and sentiments crushed, dashed and crashed quite a few too many times. Now all that remains is to openly bitch about the instances, people and events right? In that case you better wait for the memoirs :P.
Well I guess it’s time to wind down, this summer has been one filled with well re-evaluation, prioritization and liberation. I’m not sure if I’ve felt freer acknowledging and not giving a damn about things than I have in the past. Usually I’d be on the edge of my wits trying to ‘fix’ things, but I guess if some things are meant to be fixed then they’ll get fixed, and if they were meant to last only a certain moment of your life, well then the moment has ended and it’s time to chase and make a new one. Relinquish that which is beyond your control, and if you want to make things b8r don’t ever compromise yourself, your values or beliefs. People, especially those closest to you, who make you reconsider your actions and thoughts and the way you’ve always done things just because you happened to use the same things with them and they didn’t like it, ain’t worth another moment of your time. That’s when the decision is up to them to either accept you wholly or to just walk away, you aren’t a monthly or weekly installment payment plan to put up with nonsense. It really is that simple. Keep it simple and fresh, and I hope your summer has been as refreshing and liberating and akin to a cool and refreshing glass of iced tea as mine has been.